Goblin-Human Roleplay
The goblin rolled his d6 dice. “At last, the adventure begins!”
“Why are you rolling?” The gnome DM griped. “We haven’t started.”
“Just warmin’ up the girls.” The goblin beamed, taking his dice back in hand. “Okay, so I’m a human paladin. And what he’s going to be?” He nodded to the man across the table.
“A goblin rogue,” the human replied.
“Nice! Okay, can we start? My paladin is sitting in the tavern and your goblin walks in.”
The DM nodded. “Sure. Go ahead.”
“Alright! Ahem,” the goblin put on his best human voice. “Why you slime-sniffing, rotgut, grimeback, bog-jumping, muck-sucking scrag. I didn’t know they let greenskin scumstains like you in here.”
The pair stared at the goblin.
“…what?”
“Wow,” the human said. “𝑊𝑜𝑤.”
The gnome DM leaned in. “You really want to bring that kind of energy into the game?”
“What energy?” The goblin puzzled. “That’s how humans talk to goblins.”
“Well,” the human quibbled. “Not all humans…”
“That’s how you talked to me when we first met!”
“Come on. I never called you a bog-jumper.”
“No, you said goblins are a bunch of feral, slobbering marauders who kidnap women and burn down villages in the dead of night.”
“Well, yeah, but that’s all true.”
The gnome nodded. “Despite making up 8% of the population of Waterdeep, goblins are responsible for 67% of all sexual assaults.”
“Oh, okay. So I can’t say grimeback, but he gets to quote Sword Coast crime statistics at me,” the goblin fumed. “Nevermind that it was the City Guard who raided 𝑚𝑦 ancestral nest with a flame wizard and blew it to high hell!”
“To be fair,” the human countered. “You were keeping 30 elves in the breeding tunnels.”
“And 500 spawnlings!” The goblin shrieked.
“See, this is the energy I’m talking about,” the gnome sighed. “Now you’ve made it political.”
“Right, killing you both.” The goblin whipped out his blowgun and shot a dart into each of their necks.
“𝑅𝑢𝑑𝑒.” The gnome slumped onto the table, unconscious.
“I knew it,” the human rasped as the world went dim. “#@$&ing goblins!”
-𝗧𝗛𝗨𝗡𝗞- Ω