LOTR: Baelduck

Genres: fantasy, parody Length: micro-fiction Reading Time: 3 min Tags: farce

Ai! ai!" wailed Legolas. “A Balrog! A Balrog is come!”

Gimli stared with wide eyes. “Durin’s Bane!” he cried, and letting his axe fall he covered his face.

“A Balrog,” muttered Gandalf. “Now I understand.” He faltered and leaned heavily on his staff. “What an evil fortune! And I am already weary.”

The dark figure, streaming with fire, raced towards them. It’s massive, webbed feet slapped the ground, leaving a trail of scorched earth. Its neck, long and serpentine, twisted like smoke rising upward. Its flat, massive bill, forged from obsidian and edged with a burning glow, opened wide to release its terrifying bellow.

“QUACK!”

Legalos fell over.

“It’s just a duck?!” Gimli puzzled in offense.

“This is no mere mallard!” Gandalf cried. “Across the bridge! This foe is beyond any of you!”

Gimli tightened the grip on his axe. “The forges of Erebor will turn cold before a dwarf of the House of Durin cowers before a flaming waterfowl. Yaaagh!”

“Gimli, no!” Gandalf shouted.

But the Company could only watch as the dwarf ran toward the towering Anatidaean and leaped, his blade held high. “For Khazad-dûm!”

The balrog’s bill parted and from that pitch black void, a pillar of flame spewed forth, incinerating Gimli in an instant.

Gandalf cursed. Meanwhile, the elf known as Legalos crawled across the bridge on all fours, jibbering madly.

“Enough!” The wizard shouted, striking the ground with his staff. “You shall not pass!”

“QUACK!”


Far from the depths of Moria, the sun was shining; the clouds were white and high. Samwise and Frodo slumped against a rock, the only survivors.

“Aragorn, Legalos, Boromir,” Frodo muttered the names over and over. “Merry, Pippin.” His face was pale and haggard, heavy with grief. “I can’t do it. I can’t go on, Sam. It’s all too much to bear.”

Samwise held his dear companion. “I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine-”

Suddenly, the ground beneath their feet erupted and the hobbits were sent flying. The Balrog rose from the depths, its feathered wings of shadow spread wide.

“QUACK!” It roared.

As molten rock rained from above, Frodo cried out, his leg pinned beneath a jagged stone. “Sam! Sam, where are you?!”

In the distance, he spotted his cherished friend, Samwise Gamgee, hopping down the hill, receding into the distance.

“Sam!”

“To hell with this, Mr. Frodo!” The horrified Harfoot shouted over his shoulder. “I’m going back to the shire!” Ω