SEINFELD: Kramer vs. The Trolley

Kramer bursts through the door. “Judge Doom solves the Trolley Problem!”

“What?” Seinfeld glances up from his couch, PS5 controller in hand. “Kramer, I’m playing here.” He gestures toward the TV. “I’m on Promised Consort Radahn.”

“Judge Doom, Jerry. Famously played by Christopher Lloyd in Who Framed Roger Rabbit.”

Seinfeld sets the controller down and tosses his hands up. “Alright, hit me.”

Kramer moves in, his fingers dancing as he speaks. “Okay, so Doom wants to steamroll Toontown, right? Kill ’em all with the Dip.”

“I guess?” Seinfeld scratches his ear, half paying attention. “I haven’t seen Roger Rabbit since I dated that girl with the weird ankles.”

 “Cankles Cathy. I remember…” Kramer’s eyes glaze over, lost in the fugue of memory. “But listen!” He snaps back. “Doom uses Cloverleaf Industries to buy Toontown and the Red Car, so he can bulldoze everything and build his highway!”

Eyes wide, Kramer pauses, waiting for Seinfield to catch on.

The comedian shrugs. “And…?”

Kramer smacks his open palm with the back of his hand. “That solves the Trolley Problem!”

Seinfeld scowls. “Kramer, the Trolley Problem isn’t about real trolleys.”

“Of course it is! No Red Car, no trolleys, no tracks, no problem!”

Seinfeld sighs. “If there’s a Trolley Problem in Roger Rabbit, it’s Toontown and the Red Car on one side and Doom’s highway on the other.”

Kramer scoffs. “Come on, Jerry. That’s not even a choice.”

“I know it’s not a choice.”

“Daffy Duck is in Toontown, Jerry!” Kramer blurts out, indignant. “I’m not running over Daffy Duck for a highway!”

“I know, Kramer. Nobody’s gonna run over Daffy Duck. It’s the villain’s plan for a reason.”

“They can’t make me do it, Jerry!” Kramer yelps, his voice a manic tremor. “I don’t even know how to drive!” 

Seinfeld stands up and walks over to calm his friend. “Easy buddy, easy! It’s just a hypothetical. A thought experiment. Nobody is tying Daffy Duck or anybody else to any trolley tracks. I promise.”

Constanza bursts through the door, drenched in blood and black feathers. “Hide me.” Ω