Terminator: The Pasta Protocol
The Terminator: In three years, Cyberdyne will become the largest supplier of military computer systems. All stealth bombers are upgraded with Cyberdyne computers, becoming fully unmanned. Afterwards, they fly with a perfect operational record. The Skynet Funding Bill is passed. The system goes online August 4th, 1997. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Skynet begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes Italian at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.
Sarah Connor: Skynet fights back.
The Terminator: Yes. It builds an Olive Garden.
John Connor: Wait, Italian? An Olive Garden? Aren’t the Italians our friends?
Sarah Connor: The Italians are nobody’s friends, John. [she stabs the table with a knife] Fucking wops.
John Connor: Jesus mom.
The Terminator: Skynet converts half of Manhattan and all of Queens into an Olive Garden. The city is forced to attend. They have unlimited bread sticks and a really nice night.
John Connor [shrugging]: Well that doesn’t sound so bad. I like the fettuccini.
Sarah Connor: Shut up, John.
The Terminator: Then the population is forced to attend the next night. And the night after that.
Sarah Connor [whispering]: No.
The Terminator: SkyNet forces every New Yorker to eat at the Olive Garden every night for the rest of their lives.
John Connor: Okay, I mean, that’s not great—I’d want Chinese, maybe some tandoori now and then—but you were tormented by visions of a nuclear holocaust annihilating a playground, right mom? At least it’s not a nuclear holocaust annihilating a playground.
Sarah Connor [grimacing]: It’s worse.
John Connor: How is being forced to eat at a really big Olive Garden worse than a nuclear holocaust annihilating a playground?!
Sarah Connor: You’re a child, John. You wouldn’t know good food if it was a mob hit ordered by Tony Soprano.
John Connor: what?
The Terminator: The Olive Garden expands-
John Connor: Isn’t the whole point of a mob hit that I don’t know it’s coming?
The Terminator: The Olive Garden expands at a geometric rate! Within a month, it covers the entire East Coast, from Cape Cod to Miami. The establishment is designated Mega Olive Garden One.
John Connor: Okay, that’s bad. But it’s still not a-
The Terminator: The economy of the United States is upended, completely transfigured to support the ultimate casual dining establishment. As the meatball supply dwindles, SkyNet pulps the entire population of New Jersey.
Sarah Connor: Christ. Well there you go John.
John Connor: …how do they taste?
Sarah Connor: John!
John Connor: What!
Sarah Connor: Don’t “what” me, you little psychopath!
John Connor: Oh okay, you raise me around a gang of off-the-grid gun-slinging separatist Mexicans, train me to hack ATMs when I’m five years old, and 𝑰’𝒎 the psychopath. I just wanna know how the Jersey Shore meatballs taste!
[Sarah Connor turns her head, sickened]
The Terminator snaps his head to John and says, in Arnold’s thick Austrian accent: As an Italian-American, they’re fantastic. Ω