Coyote vs. ACME: Leaked Script
INT. THE COURTROOM - DAY
A smug older man in an expensive suit, THE PRESIDENT OF ACME, takes the stand. With his ears pinned back, the Coyote gives his Lawyer a nervous glance.
The Judge
Your witness.
The Lawyer takes a deep breath. With an air of steady resolve, he stands and approaches. The older man yawns and checks his watch. Or watches, rather. He wears no less than five Rolexes.
The Lawyer
President Acme. Would you mind looking at my client and telling the court what you see?
The President
(shrugging) A criminal.
The Coyote sinks into his chair.
The Lawyer
A criminal. Maybe. As I’ve reminded the court time and again, across five, I repeat, five mistrials, the accusations against my client have never been substantiated. So sure. Maybe you see a criminal. But as the president of one of the largest corporations in the world, do you know what you should see?
The President
Enlighten me.
The Lawyer
A customer.
The Coyote’s ears perk.
The Lawyer
And not just any customer. Personal bank records show that Mr. Coyote buys an average of one million dollars worth of ACME product every month. And has done so for the last 75 years.
The President
As the premier provider of a vast array of goods and services, the leader in no less than seventeen separate industries, our customer base is global. And the free market being what it is, we can not be held accountable for the lapsed moral qualities of any given individual who purchases our products. No matter how great the volume.
The Lawyer
(Nodding along) That’s all true, as far as I can tell. But I’m pretty sure your company can be held accountable for the quality of your products.
The President
(smug) Our quality control division is second to none.
The Lawyer
Now there, sir, I’ll have to quibble. (raising his voice) Exhibit F! Mr. President, would you mind telling the court what this is a photo of?
The President
Really?
The Lawyer gives him an expectant look.
The President
(annoyed) A ball gag.
The Lawyer
And is this your ball gag, sir?
Whispers and muffled laughter pass through the court.
The Judge
Order. Counsel.
The Lawyer
My apologies. Is this ball gag manufactured by ACME, Mr. President?
The President
(sighing) As I said, ACME is the leader in several industries, one of which happens to be adult entertainment. Is that a crime?
The Lawyer
No sir. And no one would dare impugn the quality of your company’s morals for providing such a valuable service. But what they may impugn is the quality of your products. In the course of my client’s private and personal recreation, the straps on this ball gag broke. And as you all know, Beep Beep, or as she was more affectionately known, The Roadrunner, choked to death.
The President
(bristling) You can’t seriously be suggesting-
The Lawyer returns to his table and holds up a stack of papers. The energy is electric. He’s on a roll.
The Lawyer
Exhibit G! E-mail correspondence between the President of Acme and the Senior Director of Quality Control. Internal tests revealed that due to an error in production, the leather on a batch of ball gags was weak and prone to tearing. And the serial number confirms it to be the same batch that the ball gag in this photo came from! (leveling his gaze) And you told them to ship anyway. Didn’t you, Mr. President?
The President
(Spluttering) T-this is an outrage! To even suggest! O-our quality control is impeccable! ACME is a paragon of-
The Lawyer
(raising his voice) You knew that the ball gags were defective! You knew they were a choking hazard! How can anyone in this fair country hope to bind and gag a willing submissive when ACME products pose a clear and present danger-
The President
(lunging out of his seat) HE RAPED THAT BIRD! HE RAPED THAT BIRD AND HE MURDERED HER!