Grug Gooners

Wearing the head of a great wolf as a hollow crown, an ape-shouldered caveman rises from his chopped log chair and bangs a crude wooden gavel on the misshapen stone slab. “Krog call community meeting to order,” he growls. “First business: Kill Unk.”

A shocked gasp ripples through the gathered crowd of paleolithic nomads.

“Any objectio—”

“We not kill Unk!” Panicked, a caveman in badger pelts bolts upright. “Unk make tribe anime titties!” He gestures to a cave wall covered top-to-bottom, end-to-end, in lewd, high quality anime cheesecake.

The cavemen all grunt as one, regarding the wall with an admiration bordering on religious reverence.

Krog snarls. “Anime titties 𝙬𝙝𝙮 we kill Unk!”

The crowd bristles, verging on revolt.

“Krog insane!” One shouts.

“Anime titties best thing me ever see!” Another insists.

“Yeah! Me could stare at fat 2d waifu honkers all day!” says a third.

The cavemen clamor in agreement before breaking out in clamp-stomp chant. “Wai-Fu Hon-Kers! Wai-Fu Hon-Kers! Wai-Fu Hon-Kers!”

“Ah shaddap!” Krog chucks his gavel, beaning the beaver pelt caveman in the head. He drops to the floor dead. The crowd falls silent. “This what Krog talking about! Nobody gathers! Nobody hunts! Whole tribe sit around all day, gooning to carved lines on wall. Yap about waifu honkers when cave-wife honkers go unsucked! Big waste of time!”

“That not fair!” cries a gopher-clad protestor. “Unk single-handedly pioneer advanced methodologies for spatial representation! Revolutionary principles of linear perspective! Foreshortening! A paradigm shift in the visual transmission of information!”

“That right!” says another. “Unk render weight and volume while applying a tasteful touch of chiaroscuro.”

The crowd murmurs and nods.

“So what?” Krog spits. “Winter coming! All birds leave! Tribe leave too!”

The cavemen glance at one another, their primitive faces dawning with concern.“But our waifus…”

“Whole tribe plan to sit around?” Krog throws up his hands. “Crank hog ’til we freeze to death? Huh?”

A gerbil clad caveman stands and delivers, with all the grace and dignity of a Norman Rockwell painting: “At least me die doing what me loved.”

Krog snatches a rock off the ground and chucks it, killing him instantly.

“But Krog!” A caveman in porcupine skins speaks.“We can’t leave waifus behind! Other tribe could come in! Claim them!”

The crowd harrumphs.

Krog pounds the slab with his fist. “We break wall! Destroy all waifus!”

The crowd gasps.

“Then no one take!” he continues. “We kill Unk too! If other tribe kidnap, he carve waifu for them!”

“No…”

“What then?”

“Unk no carve!”

“Yes Unk carve!” Krog snarls. “Unk work for commission! Demand half a mammoth for one measly waifu in slutty open back sweater. Never even deliver half the time! No loyalty!”

“Krog’s right!” A squid clad caveman joins in. “I give whole boar last moon, still waiting on shortstack in string bikini!”

“Unk betray us!”

“That bastard!”

The crowd thrums with murderous intent, aligned at last with Krog’s dark will. His lupine lips curl, splitting with sadistic satisfaction.

“Guys! Guys!” A new caveman runs in, holding a sheet of rock in his hands. “Unk make new discovery!”

“What that?”

“Unk draw waifu on sheet!” He flips the rock around, revealing a shy caveman schoolgirl with a size H bust. “Now we take anywhere!”

“Portable 2d honkers!”

The crowd explodes in a jubilant roar. “HOORAH!”

Krog slumps in his seat. “We dead.” Ω