The Hawk Tuah Girl Story: From Fame Tuah Infamy

Somber Voice Over] Abraham Lincoln. Martin Luther King. Barack Obama. Throughout history—in stirring speeches, firebrand sermons, and passionate proclamations—the Spoken Word has changed and directed the course of human civilization for tens of thousands of years. On June 11, 2024, a Tim & Dee TV video was posted to the vox pop YouTube channel, where a 21-year-old Tennessee blonde spring factory worker changed the course of 𝙤𝙪𝙧 civilization—with six simple worlds.

[Video Clip] “Hawk Tuah, spit on that thang!”

[Somber V.O.] From her meteoric rise to internet celebrity as the world’s premiere salivary onomatopoeist turned penile lubrication advocate to her sudden fall from grace and mysterious disappearance, Hailey Welch, the Hawk Tuah Girl, captivated the hearts and dongs of America like a $25 trick behind the open dumpster in the backlot of an Applebee’s. In this 9 hour documentary, we investigate how America’s most beloved Dick Dew Distributor became a Despised Crypto Rug Pull Conundrist. But first, we sat down with New York Times contributor and Harvard social psychologist, Alotta Bunke, to understand just why our society found the Spit-Slinging Siren so captivating.

[A middle-aged pony-tailed brunette sits in her academic office. She speaks with a heavy German accent] “Some people were positively confounded at the arrival of the Hawk Tuah Girl.” [She grins] “Not me.”

[Interviewer, off-screen] “Why?”

[Alotta Bunke adjusts her maroon cats eye glasses] “It is very simple. I knew from my years of scholarships and decades of extensive, in-the-field research that America—” [She whips them off] “—was ready to get its dick 𝒔𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒆𝒅.”

[Interviewer] “Wow. Really?.”

[Alotta Bunke] “Of course. After the oppressive, sexless miasma of the interminable 2010’s, America was a country ready to have fun again. To be young, blonde, and carefree, willing to do shameless things on a Friday eve with questionable men under the influence of one or seven shots of free Lady’s Night Tito vodka. Of course, this is a land of contradictions. And superpositions. America was not only ready to give, but to receive. To blow and be blown.”

[Interviewer] “Fascinating.”

[Alotta Bunke stands and walks around her desk] “We now live in an era of renewed masculine energies.

[Interviewer] “Uh, you can keep sitting. It’s better for the camera if you—”

[Alotta Bunke removes her scrunchy. Her locks cascade] “You see it in advertising, in business. Even in the presidential election. America yearns for a strong man. And not just any man. A ruthless man, a bastard who will grab her by the root and force her down on tender knees.”

[Interviewer] “uh are we still talking metaphorically or…?”

“Lady Liberty pants in anticipation—a brazen bitch in heat—yearning for tears of joy to stream her green, patina cheeks as this newfound masculine energy brutally pummels the back of her warm, tight throat.

[Interviewer] “…yeah cuz if this is still a metaphor I’m honestly not following.”

[Alotta Bunke marches right up to the camera, snatches the cameraman’s belt buckle, and yanks his pants down]

[Cameraman, off-screen] “Woah!”

[Interviewer] “𝐇𝐨𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐭.”

[Alotta Bunke] “America has lifted their voices and knelt down as one, saying, ‘We are ready! Make us gag on it!’”

[The Harvard psychologist seizes the cameraman’s lower boom pole and spits] 𝙃𝙖𝙬𝙠 𝙏𝙪𝙖𝙝!

[Cameraman] “Uh…Dave? Are we really doing this?”

[Alotta Bunke shoots a look right into the lens] “You bet your thick rod we are. I wore my knee guards for this interview. Now where’s your patriotism?”

[Somber V.O.] “Urban Dictionary dot com defines a blowjob as…”