Most Extreme Last Samurai Standing Challenge
Welcome back to Last Samurai Standing. I’m your host Vic Romano."
“And I’m Kenny Blankenship.”
“We’ve got a great competition lined up today, Ken. Now I’ve been told that every contestant here is a living descendant of an actual Japanese samurai. Is that true?”
“Totally wrong, Vic!”
“Oh?”
“The three hundred men here today all entered and lost a Last Samurai-themed Tom Cruise look-a-like contest, last month in Shibuya.”
“Wow. Who won?”
“An obese neckbeard ginger from Orlando, Florida.”
“Oh no.”
“You should’ve seen it! When he accepted his first place award—a 500lb pure tungsten bust of Ethan Hunt’s head—he wore a Takis Fuego stained T-shirt with Mami Tomoe on it.”
“The busty blonde preteen from the hit anime Magica Madoka?”
“The one and the same! His shirt read ‘GIVE HEAD, GET HEAD’ in capital letters.”
“Days of Blunder indeed, Ken.”
“But never fear! Last Samurai Standing will give these disgraced losers a chance to redeem their family names and reclaim their honor. First up: The Russian Pikachu Challenge!”
“Right you are, Ken. Each contestant will hold a live rat attached to a car battery. Electric shocks of increasing and random intensity will be administered by our lovely Game Master Gals. Whoever lets go first, loses.”
“Sounds like Risky Business to me, Vic.”
“We might even push 100 milliamps! That’s enough to stop a human heart!”
“A Few Good Men will go on to the next round and the rest who haven’t succumbed to electrocution will greet Oblivion by committing honorable seppuku.”
“What’s stopping my heart is these gals, Ken. The outfits are incredible. It’s like they’re wearing nothing but dental floss.”
“They are! Colgate is today’s sponsor.”
“They can inject me with novacaine any time.”
“Say Vic, how’d they manage to get all these yellow rats anyway? Were they the result of some freakish gene-splicing experiment that profanes God’s Order?”
“Not at all! Each rat was lovingly spray painted with cans of Rust-Oleum Painter’s Touch. Purchased at Home Depot.”
“Ah, Home Depot, our other sponsor of the day! Now let’s-”
STOMP STOMP
“DO THIS!” Ω