Porn War at the XXXth Parallel
The Canadians have gone too far!"
“Christ man, my stocks are still reeling. What happened now? More retaliatory tariffs? A 100% surcharge on electricity?”
“Worse.”
“200% on maple syrup?”
“Worse!”
“Jesus, how could it be any worse?”
“They’re banning PornHub.”
“No.”
“It’s true!”
“Bastards. I’ve said it all my life—you’ve heard me—you can’t trust those leaf-licking poutine pussies for nothing.”
“I know bro.”
“For nothing!”
“You say that shit all the time.”
“My mother told me every night, she’d tuck me in saying ‘Billy, if you bunk with a Canuck, they’ll pluck your spunk.’”
“You’re like Cato the Elder with that shit, man.”
“Ontario delenda est.”
“It’s crazy. They’re just hiding up there, creeping around in America’s attic, doing God knows what.”
“Speaking French, plotting, speaking French while plotting.”
“And we just let them!”
“Probably jerkin’ it to beavers and marmosets. In French.”
“And moosy pussy!”
“God, bigger than your head, that moose pussy.”
“That’d ruin any man, French or not!”
“Taking PornHub away from us God-fearing Americans. The nerve of it all. The audacity!”
“Why any American man would have to stick his head up ten moose pussies before getting a cockamamie idea like that.”
“And even then.”
“Even then!”
“It’s sickening!”
“Beyond the pale!”
“…but you know.”
“Hm?”
“I’m more of an Xvideos guy myself.”
“Ah, well yeah.”
“Like who’s doing Pornohub in 2025? The Amish?”
“It’s Xhamster for me.”
“And Xnxx as a fall back.”
“Or XchokeXstroke.”
“XquisiteBeaverFever.”
“XenoFreakFlixForever.”
“Oh, is that the Scientology one?”
“Nah, it’s generic scifi. You’re thinking XenusEmeterErotica.”
“Oh right.”
“It’s crazy that Canada thinks they have any leverage at all when I can watch a ten thousand year old alien read the thetan levels straight off a BBC.”
“Wait, the station BBC or black guy BBC?”
“BBC BBC.”
“Oh?”
“All the male talent on Xenus are out of work extras from the BBC Jamaican gang show Top Boy.”
“Oh. Nice.”
“I mean, really, PornHub has been trash for a minute now.”
“Ever since the purge.”
“Totally useless.”
“Even so, it’s the principle of the thing.”
“Right.”
“XNothernLights…”
“Eh?”
“Now there’s a site.”
“XNorthernLights?”
“Yeah, it’s a real time stream of the Northern Lights over the Yukon.”
“Oh. That’s…unexpectedly wholesome.”
“Yeah, except they use AI to make it look like a barely legal 18 year old girl with milkbag honkers is floating in the aurora borealis while getting her holes perpetually drilled by an endless army of psychedelic mounties.”
“Fuckin’ Canadians man.”
“God bless ’em.” Ω