Spider-Man: Into the Fleshlight-Verse

Spider-Man’s crumpled body crashes through the front window of an adult video store and slams into a ten foot tall display for neon green She-Hulk fleshlights.

“AUGH!”

As the wounded wall-crawler struggles to stand amidst the scattered boxes of gamma-irradiated box, Green Goblin flies into the room and hops off his glider.

“Well, well, well,” he sneers. “I expected more from the Amazing Spider-Man.”

“You’ll never get away with it, Norman.” Spider-Man grunts, pulling off his mask. “No matter how many times I go down, I always come back up.”

“You and the Throat Goats on Aisle 10,” the Green Goblin cackles. “But you’re mistaken, Spider-Man. I’m not Norman.” The villain rips off his mask, revealing himself to be Harry Osborn, son of the first Green Goblin.

“Harry. Great.” Spider-Man sighs. “How’s it going, old buddy?”

“Never better!” Harry grins with psychotic glee. “It’s always a gas to get the gang back together.”

“The…gang?”

A blonde woman in a purple Deadpool getup emerges from the shadows. “Hello, Peter.”

Spider-Man turns. “…Gwen?”

Peter’s high school first love twirls a six inch tactical knife. “Surprised to see me?”

Spider-Man shrugs. “Not really. Wait, were you hanging out in the dildo section this whole fight?” He looks up. “This place has poor lighting, even for a jerk shop…”

“They’ve got a deal on Fantastic Four themed rods.” She points the blade at him. “Buy the Thing’s Thing and you get Mr. Fantastic’s Telescoping Tantalizer, half off.

“14 inches for the price of 7. Nice.”

“And what do you mean ‘Not Really’??” Gwen rips off her mask. “I’m back from the dead!”

Spider-Man rolls his eyes. “Yeah, and it’s a day that ends in Y.”

“Peter please,” Harry says. “This is big for her.”

“It’s big for all of them!” Spider-Man throws up his hands. “Every other month somebody comes back from the dead to kill me or reveal some dark terrible secret while they try to kill me. It’s old!”

“Wow. Well it’s not old to me.” Gwen lowers the knife. “And I don’t remember you being such an asshole.”

“And I don’t remember you at all!”

Gwen gasps, visibly hurt.

“Peter!” The Green Goblin moves in to console her.

“I don’t! Not the real you!” Spider-Man says to Gwen. “I’ve been talking to reanimated clones and alternate reality versions of Gwen my entire adult life. You all come back wanting to have the same goddamn heart-to-heart. Twenty fucking years of this shit!”

Her lips quiver, her eyes brimming with tears. “But Peter, it’s me. The real Gwen Stac-”

“Jesus, you’re all the ‘‘‘‘real’’’’ Gwen Stacy!” He curls his fingers in mock quotes. “And why are you dressed like Grimace Shake Deadpool anyway?”

She sniffles, pointing the knife at Harry. “It was his idea.”

Spider-Man levels his gaze at Harry. “Is this a fetish thing?”

“What? No!” Harry yelps, stepping back. “It’s all part of my diabolical plan. You see, there already was a Gwenpool—an aromantic asexual teenager named Gwendolyne Poole, who didn’t have anything to do with any of us—so naturally I brought Gwen Stacy back to take her place and-”

Gwen and Peter stare.

“Yeah, no, you’re right,” Harry says. “This is dumb. I’m hearing this out loud for the first time and it doesn’t work. At all.”

“It would be more dignified if it was a fetish,” Spider-Man says.

“Yeah, it’s a fetish. I want to bone Wade Wilson. We’ll go with that.”

“Right. You’re always into weird sex shit anyway. Like the time you used Mysterio to convince me and Mary Jane that Gwen was having an affair with your father, right before he killed her.”

Gwen flicks her eyes at Harry. “You did what?”

Harry gulps. “Uh, Peter…”

“Oh yeah, it was crazy.” Spider-Man goes on. “His evil plan was to get me to imagine you, as a high schooler, getting impregnated with twins by a forty year old business tycoon. He paid people to plant those memories in my head.”

“Harry, what the fuck?”

Green Goblin puts up his hands. “Now hold on. I can explain.”

“The craziest part, Gwen? I was forced to imagine you getting your cheeks clapped by Tommy Lee Jones.”

“Tommy Lee Jones??”

“Yeah for some crazy reason, in the false memories they implanted, his dad looked exactly like Tommy Lee Jones.”

“I got clapped by Agent K???”

“Here come the Men in Black.”

Peter and Gwen look at Harry.

Harry’s eyes dart between the two. “I can explain.”

“Okay.” Gwen crosses her arms. “Explain.”

“Right. Okay. So.”

Gwen leans in. “So?”

Harry hops on his glider and flies out of the store.

Spider-Man shakes his head.

“Sorry about trying to kill you,” Gwen says to Peter. “How have you and MJ been for the past, um, twenty years?”

Spider-Man shrugs. “Like I said, days that end in Y. As for MJ…” He points at something behind her.

Gwen turns to face a twenty foot tall Mary Jane fleshlight display. In capital letters it reads: LOOKS LIKE YOU HIT THE JACKPOT, TIGER

“Wow,” Gwen says. “The lighting in here is bad.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, uh, I’m sure she’s making a lot of money?”

“Yeah,” Spider-Man sighs. “But she does all her OnlyFans videos with Paul.”

Gwen puzzles. “Paul? Who’s Paul?”

The light in Spider-Man’s eyes fades, his gaze turning distant and hollow. “The last in a long line of men sent by God himself to cuck me.” Ω