Spider-Man: No Holes Barred
In an abandoned fleshlight factory deep in Red Hook, Brooklyn, Venom’s writhing tentacle snatches Spider-Man out of the air and slams him against a brick wall.
“Pucker up, Parker!” The slathering symbiote snarls. “I’m about to pipe you the way I piped Psylocke.” A tangle of tentacles rise. “No holes barred.”
“God, don’t even joke,” Spider-Man groans. “You have no idea how bad MJ wants the Big Black back.”
The tentacles lower. “That bad huh?”
“Oh it’s terrible! She owns like thirty 15 inch pure black dildos now.”
“Wow.”
“I have to string her up to the ceiling and use my webs to control them all like some kind of Rube Goldberg redhead fucking machine.”
“Sorry, buddy. That’s rough.”
“Every other week she’s dropping little hints like ‘Are you sure it’s an evil alien?’ and ‘Don’t some people deserve to have their brains eaten?’” Spider-Man does Bill Burr’s woman voice. “What about the Chameleon? What about Kraven?’”
“I’d eat Kraven.” Venom shrugs.
“Yeah, but she doesn’t even support the death penalty!”
“Huh.”
“It’s messed up.” Spider-Man sighs. “Wait…you piped Psylocke?”
Venom grins. “From end to end like an Eldritch roto-rooter.”
Spider-Man squints. “Race-swapped Betsy Braddock Psylocke or actually Japanese Psylocke?”
“Uh, race-swapped Betsy Braddock. I think.”
“Ew.” Spider-Man recoils.
“Ew? What do you mean ew?” Venom says. “She’s still Japanese!”
“Yeah but not on the inside.”
“Brother, trust me, I’ve been all through the inside.
“Yeah, but like 𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 she’s British.”
“And?”
Spider-Man shrugs. “Just can’t do it.”
“Because she’s British.”
“Innit, mate.”
Venom squints. “Is this a yellow fever thing? Like with you and Silk? The whole pheromone lust debacle.”
“Hey man, no. No. That’s just because we were both bitten by the same radioactive spider, okay?”
“Uh huh.”
“Our shared bond gave me insatiable sexual urges and unlimited stamina for one woman who just 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒔 to be a banging hot Korean.”
“Uh huh.”
“If anything, it’s Spider-fever.”
“Right. And how does MJ feel about all that?”
“I’m not allowed to watch my K-dramas on Netflix anymore.” Ω