Spider-Man: Slingin' Rope
Hello, I’m Ellen Skunt with Channel 9 news. Today I’m talking with Randy Radford, a former supervillain turned local community leader."
“Hi, Ellen.”
“Randy, just eight months ago you were known as The Chemistโ a diabolical madman who attempted to lace New York City’s water supply with lethal amounts of Tadalafil, the active ingredient in Cialis and BlueChew. Now you lead an organization that helps supervillains turn their lives around. Tell us about it.”
“Well Ellen, the Legion of Reform is a decentralized, volunteer-lead organization that offers ethically reoriented individuals a chance to give back to the communities they once maimed, terrorized, and, in some cases, viciously exterminated.”
“Heartwarming. And what are some projects you’re working on currently?”
“The Legion is cleaning up the streets of New York City…”
“That’s nice.”
“…by collecting Spider-Man’s rope.”
“Oh…his…๐๐๐๐?”
“His webs.”
“Sorry, isn’t Spiderman the hero who foiled your attempt to give every man in the five boroughs a death-inducing erection?”
“Yes he is, Ellen. And I couldn’t be more thankful he stopped me when he did, or I wouldn’t be where I am today.”
“Okay, but don’t his webs dissolve on their own?”
“Yes, Spiderman’s ropes always dissolve in 2 hours. That’s why the Legion closely monitors the newsโand all local emergency channelsโso we can arrive on the scene and collect the rope before it disappears.”
“And then what do you do with it?”
“Then we take it back to our secret lair.”
“Community center.”
“Huh?”
“You mean community center. Right?”
“Right, sorry. Old habit. We take it back to our community center, where the Legionnaires meticulously apply a rope-preserving balm of my own design.”
“Sounds like a lot of work.”
“It is. Luckily I have the likes of Mule-Man, the Burning Bureaucrat, and the Jizzler on hand to help.”
“I’m sorry. The Jizzler?”
“That’s right.”
“Semen Semenovich, the man who hacked every screen in Time Square so he could expose himself to 100,000 people in 4K.”
“To be fair Ellen, it’s Time Square.”
“Yes but-”
“It’s only tourists.”
“Okay, true, but-”
“Anyway, once the balm has been applied, the rope lasts indefinitely.”
The Chemist hands her a length of spider rope.
“And then you sell it? Give it away? I imagine there must be a lot of interest from collectors.”
“We’ve gotten a few requests, yes. But mostly we sell it to BDSM rope-play enthusiasts.”
“…huh.”
“It has a better grip and texture than hemp, it’s lighter than jute, and it’s softer than silk. A rope bunny’s dream.
“Okay, but-”
“And it’s made out of Spiderman’s cum.”
“Sorry, I-you can’t say that on air.”
“I’m just stating facts, Ellen.”
“It’s not his cu-his ejeculation. Can I say ejacu-whatever, it comes out of his hands.”
“Listen, Ellen, I can tell we both know what it’s like to be on our knees, ragged and worn, getting blasted in the face by a man with chiseled abs.
“Excuse me.”
“And I’m just saying, what Spiderman painted my face with 8 months ago wasn’t no vanilla ice cream.”
“Okay this is ๐๐๐-”
The Chemist points. “If you ran a chemical composition test on that rope right now, you’d find it positive for semen.”
Ellen looks down at the rope in her hands and recoils in horror. “So it really is Spiderman’s cum?”
“Eh, probably not.” The Chemist shrugs. “But I find the balm works better if I let the Jizzler rope in it.”
“๐๐๐๐!!!” ฮฉ