Star Wars: The Phantom Finger

On the bustling city-world of Coruscant, Yoda and Obi-Wan stand side-by-side, gazing out a window on the highest floor of the Jedi Temple.

“So I get the jump on Grievous,” Obi-Wan brags. “And you know what I tell him?”

“Mmm?”

“Hello, there.”

Yoda nods. “Mmm, good one.”

Padmé drags Anakin into the room.

“Padmé, wait!” He yelps.

“Ah, Senator Amidala,” Yoda turns. “How may help you, we can?”

“What’s the meaning of this!” Padmé yanks Anakin forward and pulls back his sleeve, revealing his gold prosthetic limb.

Obi-Wan grimaces.

“Padmé, I already told you-”

“Quiet!” She hisses.

“Count Dooku, did the young Skywalker fight.” Yoda nods somberly. “Kicked, his ass was. Hmm.”

“I know-”

“Thoroughly.”

“I know that! Why does he have a robot arm?”

“Hmm?”

“Can’t he get a clone arm or something?”

Yoda shakes his head. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Padmé, please.” Obi-Wan interjects. “There are…complexities at hand. Delicate matters, even for Jedi.”

“Let me guess,” she huffs. “He can’t use the force with a cloned arm.”

“No,” Yoda intones. “Something far more powerful is at play.”

“More powerful than the force?” She blinks.

“Yes,” says Yoda. “Budget cuts.”

“Budget cuts?”

“The Jedi healthcare plan leaves something to be desired,” Obi-Wan sighs.

Yoda nods. “Dog shit, it is.'

“Budget cuts?!” Padmé sputters. “For the Jedi? Who would do a dumb thing like that?”

“You did.” Yoda points at her.

“What?”

“The Order 66 Healthcare Budget Reform and Reallocation Bill,” Obi-Wan explains. “Authored by Sheev Palpatine and co-sponsored by the interim Naboo senate representative appointed by Senator Amidala—Jar Jar Binks.”

Padmé and Anakin curse under their breaths. “Fucking Jar Jar.”

“So what, he’s crippled forever?”

Anakin grimaces.

Yoda holds up his palm. “Blessing, it may be.”

“A blessing?” She scoffs. “His hand looks like a Columbian shower head!”

“Hey.”

“Yes, but now he can easily stir eggs.” Yoda uses his walking stick to press a button on the side of Anakin’s wrist. “Observe.”

His middle and ring finger twitch and then flutter in a blur.

“10,000 RPMs, hmm.”

Padmé eyes go wide. “Let’s go, Annie.”

“Padmé wha-

She snatches his collar and drags him out of the room. “Sorry about the budget cuts. Hope it all works out!”

Yoda watches the pair depart. “Hmm. Troubled by Skywalker, I am. Many omens. A darkness blinds his path.”

“And soon he’ll be deaf,” Obi-Wan quips.

“Hmm?”

“N-nothing.”

Yoda squints. “Hmm.” Ω