The Disappearing Act
At the end of their whirlwind first date, Tony and Vanessa retire to her bedroom.
“Oh God,” she moans as he suckles her neck. “That Kraken Crunch Chalupa was sublime! Who knew calamari pairs so well with peanut butter and a Baja Blast?”
“Live Mรกs,” Tony growls in her ear. “But right now, there’s only one creamy sweet seafood I wanna sample.”
He unbuttons her blouse, kissing every delicate inch as he descends.
Vanessa bites her lip. “Oh, Tony.”
On the last button, he yanks her blouse open.
“By Kanaloa’s coil!” she cries.
With a knowing grin, his head disappears beneath her hiked-up skirt.
“W-wait!” She suddenly yelps.
Between her shapely thighs, Tony’s head pops up like a prairie dog. “What’s up?”
“I have to warn you,” she mumbles with a bashful blush. “I’m an incredibly clingy lover.”
“Don’t worry,” he grins. “I like girls with a tight grip.”
“And I get lonely so fast.”
“Not with me you won’t.”
“And I…” She trails off.
“Yes?”
She sighs. “I struggle with object permanence.”
“Oh. Okay.” Tony blinks. “Well, I’m sure that won’t have any bearing on the next 2 to 3 minutes.”
Her heart flutters. “A whole three minutes!”
He winks. “For you, I’ll make it three and a half.”
“Oh, Tony…”
He slips under her skirt again.
“Tony?! TONY?! Where did youโ”
He pops back up. “I’m here. I’m here.”
“Oh thank heavens.” She puts a hand on her heaving breast. “I thought you were gone forever.”
“Apropos of nothing,” Tony says. “Has a man ever successfully gone down on you? Or anyone, for that matter?”
“Well…” Vanessa ponders the question. “Now that you mention it: no.”
“Mhm.”
“They all ๐๐๐ they’re gonna tongue-punch my love taco, but then they disappear into a mysterious void!”
Tony nods. “…only to pop back up a few moments later.”
“Yes!” She marvels. “How did you know?”
He shrugs. “Just a guess.”
“Oh Tony, it’s so strange!” She whispers with a hint of fear. “Please promise you won’t ever do something like that.”
“Vanessa.” He takes hold of her hand and strokes it, speaking in a gentle, patient voice. “Have you ever tried looking down there?”
“Down there?” She blinks. “You mean when a man’s snogging my box?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh heavens no.” Vanessa shakes her head. “My mother always said it’s rude to stare at people when they eat.”
“And let me guess,” he says. “Mother always knows best.”
She nods. “Uh-huh. Although it’s odd.”
“Odd?”
“So odd. When I was young, sometimes I’d hear my mother in the other room with my father.”
“Oh?”
“And she’d be shouting, ‘Stare into my eyes while you eat it, you sissy paypig-bitch.’”
“Uuh.”
Vanessa puts a finger to her cheek. “I wonder what that was about.”
Tony clears his throat. “Right, well, fortunately, I always carry this.”
From his pocket, he produces a small cloth hand puppet with a plastic head.
“How adorable!” She says.
Tony slips his middle finger into the head and his index and ring finger into the arms.
“Hello, Vanessa!” The puppet flails, speaking in a high-pitched voice.
“Hello Puppet-Tony!” She waves back. “Oh, he looks just like you!”
“My head is 3d printed!” Puppet-Tony informs her. “Now Big Tony here is gonna get to work on your coochie, and I’m gonna keep you company. Okay?”
“Okay!” Vanessa beams.
Once more, Tony slips beneath her skirt. Vanessa sits on the edge of the bed, grinning ear to ear.
“Oh, this is exciting. I’ve never dated a puppet befโ” Her eyes go wide. “Oh. Oh!”
Her fingers claw into the bed, crumpling the sheets.
Puppet-Tony wiggles his arms. “What’s up, Vanessa?”
“Oh Puppet-Tony,” she pants. “Something very strange is going on!” She tries not to squirm. “I think there’s a squid in my panties!”
“Don’t be silly, Vanessa!” Puppet-Tony squeaks. “That’s just my tongue!”
“Your tongue?” She writhes, struggling not to slip off the bed. “But it’s so deep! How can you talk when it’s so deep~”
“That’s easy.” Puppet-Tony flings his tiny arms high. “I’m a ventriloquist!”