X-Men: The Mutant Cure

Hello, you’re watching NBC. I’m Ellen Skunt. For the past twenty years, 𝐻𝑛𝑔ℎ America has grappled with the Mutant Question. With the FDA’s approval of Trask Industries so-called Mutant Cure, some now argue it should be administered along with the Hepatitis B vaccine, a mandatory immunization given to all newborns. 𝑀𝑚𝑚. Tonight, we’re speaking with an assortment of voters across the political spectrum, one of whom is secretly a mutant. We’ll reveal it at the end of the show. 𝑈𝑔ℎ. 𝑎ℎ𝑒𝑚𝑚. Let’s start with you, Ivanna."

“Hi, I’m Ivanna Rutt. 𝐻𝑛𝑔ℎ. Minnesota Democrat. And I just think 𝑀𝑚𝑚 it’s such a shame what they’re doing to the homo superior people.”

“Jesus. Look, Buster Himen here. Republican. 𝐻𝑛𝑔ℎ. And there ain’t nothin’ superior about these muties. They’re freaks. You liberals are always going on about your made-up “““sensible””” gun control, but I’ve never fired an AR that can level Detroit!”

“They can’t help it, Buster. 𝑈𝑔ℎ. They were born that way. You just want to eradicate them like the LGBT!”

“If every gay man in America could torch my kids by shooting fire out of his flaming ass, you bet your butt I’d have them eradicated! 𝐺𝑟𝑢𝑢𝑢ℎ. 𝑆𝑜𝑟𝑟𝑦. If these muties have a right to their powers at birth, then every newborn should be issued a government-mandated Glock! And hey, just sayin’, it doesn’t eradicate a baby to not have a Glock!”

“Oh, so you do support sensible gun control.”

“$@#£ you.”

“A tense debate. Let’s go to our last voter: Dick Gelder.”

“Thank you, Skunt. The anxiety around homo superior is understandable. In some ways, their existence goes against the very founding ideals of this country: all men created equal. But if you stop to think about, what are people really afraid of? Crime? If the cold war showed us anything, it’s that a bad ten year old with nuclear death rays can only be stopped by a good ten year old with nuclear death rays. Telepaths? One in eight Americans are on SSRI’s, and many report feelings of depression and despondency. If you don’t want to be alone with your own thoughts, why wouldn’t you let someone else in? Release your burdens. Let someone else take control.”

“Sounds like 𝐻𝑛𝑔ℎ commie mutie gobbledygook to me.”

“𝑀𝑚𝑚 Mr. Himen, please𝑒𝑒𝑒.”

“It’s alright, Skunt. As you said at the start of the show, one of us is a mutant. Or a mutie, as our friend here so brashly put it. And I am that mutie.”

“Mr. Gelder, why come out now? Are you concerned that Trask’s vaccine could 𝑈𝑔ℎ end the mutant species?”

“Oh ho, not at all. Even if it went to a congressional vote, a telepath would just tweak the minds of a few senators here and there. How would anyone ever know?”

“𝑈𝑔ℎ 𝑜ℎ 𝑙𝑜𝑟𝑑. Then why?”

“Because I’m tired of lying about who I am. Who we are. Mutants are the superior race, destined to rule. Will do it better than you ever did and you’ll take pleasure in our gentle guiding hand, or my name isn’t Compulsory Orgasms Man!”

“𝐻𝑁𝑛𝐺𝑔ℎℎ𝐹𝑈𝑢𝑢𝑢𝑐𝑐𝑐𝑘𝑘𝑘!”

“𝑂-𝑂𝑜𝑜𝑜𝑜𝑂𝑂𝑂𝐻 𝐺𝑎𝑎𝑎𝑤𝑤𝑤𝑤𝑑𝑑𝑑!”

“I knew it! 𝐺𝑟𝑟𝑟𝑢𝑢𝑢𝑢mutie scu𝑈𝑢𝑢𝑢𝑢𝑢𝑢𝑚𝑚𝑚𝑚𝑂𝐻!” Ω